Bittersweet

I wish I could say that things around here have gotten easier, but that's not really true. Will it ever get easier? I'm not sure that this kind of hurt ever dulls or disappears. We're trying to adjust to a new version of normal, but it's a big adjustment. So much of our lives revolved around Holden, and without him holding it all together, nothing is normal anymore. We have to completely change our way of living, and that's a very slow process. Many days, I don't even want to get out of bed, so I don't. Other days, I can manage to distract myself and make it through the day with a minimum of tears and mini-breakdowns. We have many friends and family who have made distraction an easy task at times, and we are thankful for that.

We don't have the autopsy results back yet. They said it would take 4-6 weeks, and it's been a little over four. I'm not sure if knowing why will help anything, but I can't move on without knowing either. Those results are one of the last things hanging over our heads, so I'm praying we have some answers soon.

I'm still not sure I understand any of this. We prayed so many times for God to make Holden's heart whole. Well, his heart is whole now. He answered our prayers, just not in the way we had hoped for. I struggle daily trying to live with and without him. With him, because he is still very much alive here in our hearts and our home, and without him because memories are all I have left to hold now. Balancing those two realities is impossible.

Each day we had him with us was a gift, and though I wish we had more time, I have to trust that God's plan for Holden's life was fulfilled in 17 months. That kind of trust is really, really hard right now, but we know that He has a plan for our lives.

That became evident when I went to the doctor last week. Much to our surprise, we found out that I am pregnant... At least a couple of months along. (We'll have a better idea of a timeline once I have a sono to date the pregnancy.) That means that all of this happened before Holden even went into the hospital the last time, and we had no idea. Trent and I had talked about having another child, and we decided to wait for a little while because we just weren't ready yet. The best laid plans, right? Indeed, the plans we make for our lives are not our plans to make. It's like He knew that we would need a reason to face each day again. Something to plan for. Something to look forward to, even as we try to sort through our grief. This is very much a bittersweet time for us. We are thankful and so very blessed, yet it's hard to be fully excited about anything right now. We are praying, and trying to keep a strong hold on our faith. It's really the only thing that's a constant these days.

John 16:33 "I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."

My mother uploaded the slideshow shown at Holden's service, for those of you who are interested in watching it. We had some technical difficulties at the service, so I'm glad that we can share the full show with you now. I don't know how to include the actual video in the blog, but you can follow the link here.

We thank you all for your continued support and prayers. I'm not as diligent about responding to every one's messages as I should be, but your encouragement is the only thing that has kept me going at times. We appreciate all of you, more than you know.