Little White Lines

Yes, we're still here, alive and well. I'm still not as dedicated to updating the blog as I would like to be, but any intentions of changing that are quickly thrown out the window when I realize how few hours there are in each day. Holden continues to thrive here at home, smiling with a little more joy each day. It's not all ups, but the downs are fewer and farther apart, and for that I am thankful.

I was laying in bed with Holden this morning, and he was tracing his biggest scar with his finger, the same way I often do. Since then, I've been thinking a lot about his scars, and what they mean to me. He has quite a few of them, more than we were prepared for. But I guess those scars can serve to remind him throughout his life about the things that truly matter.

I hope he's never ashamed of those lines. I hope he doesn't become self-conscious and try to hide them as he gets older. His body looks like a battlefield, but he won the battle. I want him to be proud of that. I want him to be proud of those pink and white lines, and of what they mean.

Someday soon we'll get the call for his heart transplant, and one of those lines will have to be redrawn. I've grown pretty fond of his little body as it is, including all of his scars, but I'll grow to love the new scar just the same. A new scar means another victory. A new fight, a new line... His own special badge of courage.

A scar is defined as a lingering sign of damage or injury. I don't know that my definition is the same. To me, his little white lines are a lingering proof of answered prayers. Proof that God kept His hand on my baby, then and now.

Holden will never know how many tears we've cried as we traced those same lines. How covered he was in prayer as they changed from angry red slashes to shiny white lines. He may never understand the full magnitude of what those scars symbolize, but I hope he I hope he sees the beauty in them. I hope he realizes they don't make him a victim, they make him a survivor.

Scars don't form on those who lose the fight. They only form on the living... The survivors. More than anything, that's what Holden's scars mean to me... He is a survivor.