Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Welcome

We have a new baby. I'm still recovering from the surgery and sick from some kind of infection. I have a chubby little boy attached to me 97% of the time. I haven't blogged in months... Yet somehow I felt drawn here today. I don't know why, but maybe it will happen more often. I don't have any good excuses for not updating the blog since November- I really have nothing. All I can say is it's hard to put myself here sometimes. I can't help but think of this as "Holden's blog", even now. I feel somehow wrong posting about our lives continuing here, when it seems as though time should have stopped on July 7th.

Time doesn't stop. The world doesn't stop spinning, even when it feels like the universe is upside down. God continues to bless our lives in unimaginable ways, every single day. Life is still bittersweet in so many ways, and it may be like this for the rest of my life. That makes sense in a way, since a piece of me will always be missing.

Despite the gaping hole in our hearts, we have so many reasons to be happy right now. We had a great Christmas with the girls here, and we had multiple Christmas celebrations with different groups of family. I spent most of those celebrations breathing through and timing contractions, but even that didn't take away from the joy of the season. I think we all had a rough spot Christmas morning, grieving the loss of our little man, but we had so many blessings to be thankful for that it tempered the grief a bit. Those sweet girls I am lucky enough to call my daughters are growing up so quickly. They are such incredible young ladies now, and I am so proud of them. I am reminded daily of my blessings... All four of them.

After keeping us all on our toes since the preterm labor scare and hospital stay in November, Carter decided he was quite comfortable staying put for a little while. I had constant contractions for weeks after going off all of the medications, but things would eventually slow down and stall out. I think I had the longest labor ever, but it was all worth it in the end.

We welcomed Carter William to the world on January 6th via c-section. We had some issues with the cord wrapping towards the end of my labor, and we all agreed it was necessary to get him out as quickly as possible. The surgery may have been a blessing after all, as he ended up weighing 8 lbs. 10 oz. at birth. He was a big boy, and he somehow manages to keep getting bigger every day. He's such an easygoing and happy baby! As long as he's fed, he's happy. And he manages to always be fed. :)

The hardest part, maybe for all of us, has been the inevitable comparisons to Holden. I love remembering Holden in all things, because one of my biggest fears is that he'll be forgotten. But I also need to remember that Carter is his own person. I need to remember to be thankful for that, for the gift of each of my children. Despite everything we've lost, we are still blessed beyond belief. God is good, all the time!

As proof of that, this is Carter. He joins big sisters Kaitlyn and Rylie, and big brother Holden. We are in love.



(The picture is courtesy of our amazingly talented friend, Ren Morrison. More to come soon. :)

5 comments:

  1. He's beautiful! Congratulations!

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  2. Linds, there are no words. We are SO blessed by both our godsons: we welcome sweet Carter wholeheartedly, and always carry sweet Holden in our hearts. And we love those precious girls, too!

    We are humbled by your courage and faith. Love you to the moon and back, sweet cousin.

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  3. Lindsey, you have a wonderful way with words. I check the blog twice a day every single day, I never miss a day. Just in case you posted something. You have a way of writing about Holden, who I know we all deeply miss. I guess in a way it is therapy, I love you, Trent, Kaitlyn, Rylie, Holden, and Carter very much. I can't wait to see all the wonderful pictures Ren has taken.
    Love y'all,
    Kyla

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  4. Blessings come even when you don't feel like you deserve them, or it doesn't feel like the right time. God knows when you need them & exactly what you need to heal. I can't imagine how you still must ache for your sweet Holden. When it seemed your arms would fall off longing to hold him again, God whispered hope into your soul with the promise of another life, and now Carter is here and in your arms. So many things must seem identical to Holden, yet so many things are different. Bittersweet indeed, Lindsey.
    May more of the sweetness come to you and Trent each day. May each smile help to dry your tears and put your fears to rest. May health be multiplied to you as you recover from the surgery and infection.
    I pray that you have many moments when God whispers to your heart that He loves you and you are the cherished daughter He delights in. I pray that each day brings you one step closer to joy.
    You will always have Holden in your heart.
    Carter is a beautiful baby boy! Kiss him for me.

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  5. Holden was such a gift to your family for the short time he was yours, and Carter is another gift. He is beautiful! And hopefully when I see my other Mom (Nadyne), and my other sisters (Karen, Susan and Billie) their tears will be of joy instead of heartbreak. I hope you recover quickly and that your family stays strong and healthy. Much love and prayers for you and your family.

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