Happy 3rd Birthday, Holden

Oh, my sweet Holden- Today is a hard one. I can't hold you. I can't see you. I can't kiss those sweet cheeks I loved so much. But I hope you can feel my love for you- today and every day.

I’ve been dreading this day for weeks, just like last year. I can make myself physically sick with dread and anxiety, and it never seems to get easier. February 2nd is one of the most joyful and heartbreaking days of the year. I don’t know how it can be both.

I never could have imagined what our future held when you were born three years ago. I didn’t know that your heart was so sick when I held you for the first time. All I knew was that you were perfect. When I held you for the last time, seventeen months later, I still thought you were perfect.

I can’t imagine my life without you in it- even if you exist only in my memories. I can't imagine my life now without those seventeen precious months.

It's such a horrible, sickening symmetry. You were mine for that long, and now it’s been almost the same amount of time since I’ve held you in my arms. Seventeen months since we returned you to our Father's arms.

Seventeen months without you, but seventeen months closer to you, too.

Thank God for the knowledge that I’ll share your birthday with you again. Someday. May the angels hold you close until you're back in my arms where you belong.

Thank you for the extraordinary pleasure of being your Mama. Thank you for being our miracle. Thank you for the legacy you left behind. Thank you for being mine.

Happy birthday, my sweet little man. You have always been loved beyond reason. Then, now and forever.