Day 133

It's a new day, but yesterday's problems continue. Trent and I are both growing increasingly frustrated, and our hearts ache for our little man.

We don't have any more answers than we did yesterday. Of course, that's as maddening as ever. He's still throwing up and retching, running fevers and feeling horrible. His retching has become constant, and sounds so horrible that even the nurses are near tears for him. My heart breaks so many times daily, watching him hurt and not being able to make it better. It's such a helpless feeling, and I hate it.

The blood cultures are negative so far. The official results won't be back until tonight (48 hours after collection), but it would have shown something already if a bacterial infection were present. We're doing another type of culture today to check for viral infections, which will also take two days to come back.

The doctors on this floor are stumped, and don't really know what to do for him now. We're going to try a couple of different medications to help with the nausea and retching while we wait for the GI doctor to come in tomorrow. We still don't have much of a game plan, but I really hope we can come up with one soon.


My girls are out of school for Spring Break this week and instead of spending their break with us, they're with their grandparents. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure they are having a blast with the grandparents who adore them and will spoil them rotten... I just wish they could be here with me. I wish a lot of things could be different, I guess. It's just one more thing that sucks about being here. It gets depressing, and very lonely at times. I do have part of my family here, but I miss those girls so much. (I figured that as long as I'm having a pity party today, I might as well throw that in there as well.)

I'm ready to take my baby home. I know I sound like a broken record, but it's past time for this kid to catch a break. He is so very strong, but enough is enough. He's already been denied so much, and it's past time for him to catch up with the world.

I want to see the plan in all this. I want to trust our doctors and nurses and all of the medical professionals who make the daily decisions about our lives. I want to believe that they will be able to find the answers and fix his problems. Giving that kind of trust is growing increasingly harder, and that makes it really hard to remain hopeful. If the doctors are stumped, who do we turn to next??

I am so proud of what Holden has endured, of what he continues to endure with a grace I could never possess. I pray that we will find the answers for him soon. He has been so brave for so long, and he deserves those answers. He has fought so hard for the life that he has, and I know he has a very special purpose in this life. I know that he can change the world. And I believe that someday he will. We just have to get him back out in it and give him the chance.