Things remain largely unchanged around here. Holden is about the same, although his oxygen sats trended down for most of the night. That led to a middle of the night xray showing us that- surprise- his lungs are really wet. We already knew that, but there isn't much we can do about it while he's dehydrated from throwing up and diarrhea. We can't add any more diuretics in the mix to dry out his lungs until that's under control. His BUN is trending up the more dehydrated he gets, and additional diuretics will be even harder on his poor kidneys.
He woke up in the early morning hours crying in pain as usual, but this time he had some decent pain medication on board. That made a world of difference, and he got through the rest of the morning without as much pain as he's had in the previous few days. Trent went back to the house again this morning, and I'm left alone here again to overthink and overanalyze. Always a dangerous thing!
I'm so incredibly tired of this endless circle of questions. I'm so incredibly tired of wondering if Holden will ever get better, if he'll ever feel well. I'm so incredibly tired of watching him suffer. I am just so incredibly tired of it all!
While trying to get out of my funky mood, I was reading a book of prayers we received this weekend along with the many toys and gifts for Holden. One of them really resonated with me...
"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up." Psalm 71:20
I sometimes feel like I shouldn't feel grief or sadness or anger at our situation, that I should be able to move on- Put on my big girl panties and deal with what needs to be done. I feel guilty for admitting to the world that this sucks, and that I'm exhausted. I feel so selfish for thinking about how much this sucks for me when Holden is clearly the one to feel sorry for.
But then, I think sometimes we need to feel the breadth and depth of emotions that come with this new reality. This does suck, for all of us, and we can't heal if we don't acknowledge the pain. It is definitely a balancing act. To feel but not dwell.
So back to the Psalm...We bear our burdens, we ask God for help and trust Him to do what He does best — restore. Maybe this is how hurt becomes hope?
You are right on target, Lindsey! It is perfectly OK to feel AND express your true feelings. And it is absolutely true that you have to admit them to deal with them. And YES, you are right to dive back into the Psalms for the answers to how to increase faith. David wrote many of the Psalms beginning first with how despondant he felt, how he felt alone, attacked, desperately in need of God. Then, he would recount how God had been there for him before, or forgave in instantly, or would fight the battles he faced. That is an awesome model of a true, intimate relationship with God. He already knows what is in your heart and it doesn't surprise or scare Him. He is God! He can handle it. He wants to you come to Him with every care and need. Then, put it in His hands, trust Him to lead your decisions, and thank Him for the answer that is in His will. Praise Him for the blessings, and praise Him for the lessons learned through it all, even when you don't get the answer you think you want.
ReplyDeleteYou are on a journey of trust, and learning to hear His voice.
I haven't been in your shoes, honey; but I have walked a journey of my own in learning to trust His love for me. In fact, I will not stop learning of His love until my life here on earth is over, and I get to meet Him face to face! That is when I will probably learn that I had only an inkling of the depth of it.
I continue to pray for Holden, for you, and Trent.
Call me is you need anything! At all!
Love, Becky