This blog used to be cathartic for me. It started out as a way to chronicle our day-to-day lives, and as a way to keep Holden's supporters informed. It turned out that the blog was as much for me as them, and I hope that I can find some kind of peace through writing again.
I was so touched to see how many people came to honor Holden. I saw many faces that I hadn't seen in years, many faces that I had never seen at all, and many faces that I have seen often through our journey with Holden. People came from all over the state to honor our little man, and seeing the impact he had on so many lives was humbling. How many of us will go our whole lives without making that same kind of impact? He was one-of-a-kind, and irreplacable. Thank you, everyone, for knowing and honoring that yesterday.
People ask how I'm doing, and I don't know how to answer that question. Should I tell them, "Fine, thank you," and move on? If I'm going to be totally honest, I'm far from fine. We are all far from fine. I'm numb, and I'm lost, and I still don't know if it's hit me yet that he's never coming home. In fact, I'm positive that the full realization hasn't made it through my head yet.
I just never expected him to not make it through. Yes, I knew what kind of obstacles he faced. I knew how hard the journey was going to be, and I was fully prepared to walk it with him. I knew that his world was full of uncertainties, but I never prepared myself for one of those unknowns to beat him. I had actually gotten a little bit arrogant, thinking of how much he'd been through already. I was terrified for him, but it never even occured to me that this time would be different. He fought so hard in so many battles, and I just knew that he was going to fight and win again. How long will it be before I fully realize that he lost this time? I hope never... I don't know if my heart can take it.
Holden had a gift for stealing hearts. All babies are cute and loveable, but even in his worst moods, Holden could charm the pants off anyone. I wonder if deep inside somewhere, he knew he didn't have much time in this world. I wonder if he loved so much and so hard because he knew he had to fit it all in. Or maybe he really was just an exceptional spirit, sent here for the purpose of teaching us all to love, to live, to appreciate, to be more- because he was.
I can look back over the last 17 months and see so many things that God gifted to us as sacred memories. Holden's life has touched and inspired so many others, and that in itself is a gift. But I miss him. I want more than memories. I don't know why this path was chosen for us, but for reasons I'm not sure of, He chose to give us a different story to tell. I don't want to be a part of this story.
Does it ever go away? The hole in our hearts, our home, our spirits. Does it ever get better? It doesn't feel like it right now. He's everywhere here. I'm trying so hard to hold on to my faith, but honestly, it's so very hard. I want to understand the plan in all of this. I want to let go of my anger and trust that His plan is bigger than my own. But I'm human. I'm selfish. And I want my baby here, with me. I don't understand. I can't understand, and I'm really struggling with that. I try to remember that God suffered the death of His own son, and knows the pain that I feel. Somehow that doesn't make it any easier right now.
I'm not strong... I never have been. Any strength I had was pulled from my brave little man who had enough courage and heart for all of us. I feel so brittle and fragile right now, like I might shatter and break at any moment.
The only things holding me up right now are my husband, my girls, and our ever-present family and friends. We are blessed to live among such supportive, genuinely kind people whose faith, love and supportive spirits are giving us a strength that is hard to explain. I am on-my-knees grateful for all of you, every day. We wouldn't have made it without you.
I just don't know what to say or do. I was just positive there was nothing that Holden couldn't beat. I just had it in my head that he was superman in a little body, I have never seen someone so full of life, love and strength. He is such a powerful little man. I will love him forever. I am grateful that I had the honor of knowing him, and being his aunt was just the icing on the cake. I love you and Trent, y'all will always be in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteKyla
I believe we are all here to teach a few things and learn a few things...maybe this life is God's way of showing us His side of the story. It takes most of us 50, 60, or 70+ years to complete our "lesson plan", but Holden did it in 17 months. He was just better at his job than the rest of us...
ReplyDeleteWe know what Holden taught and who he impacted...that's the easy part. But what could a baby possibly learn about life? He learned the most beautiful part of the human spirit in his mother's touch. He learned to appreciate the meaning of a pain-free eternity. He learned that all things come to an end, except for God's love.
I like to think Holden is in Heaven having an "Ah-ha!" moment...kind of like Isaac Newton with the apple tree, but on a much larger scale. And I think God is laughing while asking him, "Do you get it NOW?"
Lindsey - I am so sorry for your loss...I only discovered your beautiful baby after his passing, but he has impacted my life more than you'll ever know. Your gift with words, combined with your open spirit and willingness to share your experience has inspired me to be a better person and mother. We would all much rather have your son healthy and here with you, but I hope these things are a small comfort. He was so small but he did BIG things that will have a ripple-effect for a very long time.
I have to comment on the above ... "God showing us His side of the story". I believe that's something to ponder on. There are path's, choices we all make in life. Some are good, some not so good. How HE must weep when He sees us making the not so good choices, yet His love for us continues. God loves us more than we can ever imagine. And even though He's not visible, the beauty of His love comes through our true 'faith' in Him. While you weep, know that God weeps for you and with you. He is looking to see how you will use the "gift" He shared with you through Holden, even if only for a short time. My words will not bring you comfort. Leaning on Him will. Let yourself grieve however it may be. Continue to ask God for guidance. He will answer, just keep listening. (That's the hard part) He will carry you in your weakest moments. It is only He that will get you through. And last, you may have asked yourself, "What would Holden want me to do?". Keep asking that question. My guess is he'd want you to be happy.
ReplyDeleteUse your God given talent, keep it alive. Maybe there are path's you've taken that you can build new roads off of and take a new route to better someone else's. If you continue to pray in earnest, you will know just exactly what direction He wants you to take and when.
We cannot begin to understand the hole in your heart with Holden's passing. Hold tight to one another, lean on family and friends and keep God close.
Know that there are many who will be checking in on your Blog as your words are read with loving care. We hope you continue to write and that you some day find it to be cathartic for you once again. Perhaps a new Blog as you begin a new journey, one that you did not choose this time. We are here. Lean on us anytime you feel the need. Mostly know ... God.Loves.You!
Lindsey,
ReplyDeleteAs many times before, I have trouble reading your words through my tears. As little as I know about your particular loss of your precious little Holden, my heart can relate to your loss.
You and Trent are at the top of my prayer list, and each time I go to the mirror in my bathroom, I see that list & say another prayer for God to keep you both as you continue down your path to healing.
You mention your anger- God can handle your anger. It is when you try to keep it in, act on it, or deny it that it will eat away at your precious faith. Give it to God- even when you are afraid at its huge-ness, remember God is bigger.
Cry- tears can melt away the wall you want to hide behind, even from yourself. I'm sure many times by now you have reached that point of thinking you have no more tears to cry- & yet more come.
Now is not the time to be strong- you are not strong enough to bear this all alone- I don't think anyone can. Personally, I don't know how anyone can go through the sorrows of this life without having a great God to lean on, depend on, cry out to, & comfort us in our griefs.
The journey you & Trent are on now will always be a memorial to Holden. Let it be a memorial to the hope, joy, & immense love Holden brought to this world through your love for each other.
I pray that as these days of sorrow pass, you both find comfort and peace. I pray that you grow stronger in your faith & trust in God, and accept His strength, letting yourselves fall with abandon into His love.
Blessings for you both in the name above all names, Jesus.
Becky