This poor kid had yet another rough day. I don't know what's wrong with him this time, but he's in pain somewhere. I can't tell if it's withdrawl or abdominal pain or something new entirely, but he's definitely out of sorts and letting me know about it. He's sleeping somewhat comfortably now after his bath and multiple drugs, and hopefully he'll sleep through the rest of the bad. I'm so ready for him to wake up and smile at the world again, like he used to.
And it's official... After 102 days in this hospital, I am losing my mind. (Some of you might be thinking there wasn't much to lose, and you'd be correct.) I've forgotten where home is, and what it's like to live there. When I talked to Trent earlier this evening, I asked him when he was planning on coming home. It was a stupid question, in retrospect, since he was actually at our home. I don't know when I started thinking of this place as home, and I don't like that I've gotten so comfortable with that idea. Looking around the room, it's easy to see that little by little we're becoming a part of this place. Our clothes are neatly folded and put away in the cabinets, our food is packed away in a makeshift pantry, we have our own cups and coffee and sugar... All little signs that we've made ourselves at home. We've settled into routines, and everything here has become so familiar. I have such a love/hate relationship with this hospital, it amazes me that I would ever consider it home. I wonder sometimes if we'll ever get to go to our real home, to take our baby back to his own crib and highchair. I wonder if he's forgotten what home is like as well, and if this is the only home he remembers. I wonder if that's a blessing somehow...
It breaks my heart that you have been at the hospital long enough to feel at home there. At the same time, I believe that home is really a place within, not where you are geographically. So be encouraged to make that room "home" for your little angel, and for you and Trent.
ReplyDeleteHi Lindsey, Melissa Nugen my daughter told me about your blog and I will be praying for Holden daily. If you haven't heard from Mel, my granddaughter Sarah from Alaska had CHD/TAPVR three years ago, detected a few weeks after her birth. She was careflighted to Anchorage and then to Seattle Children's Hospital. By the grace of God, we were taken care of by a doctor that knew how to fix her. Her body was cooled down, heart stopped for over half an hour while the surgery took place. We used the term: " she went to play with Jesus for a while and he was returned to us". Sarah is now precocious kid and as normal as can be. So I pray that Holden will someday soon be like Sarah, health wise.
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